Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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