I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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