My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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