So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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