he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
