It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
