Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
