he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
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