if you like me you must not know who I am
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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