You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
