loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
