Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
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