She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
