I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
And the cops told us we were all naked.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
