I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I have fence marks all over my body
Randomize
