From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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