my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
