Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
