i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
