She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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