How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
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