After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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