I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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