woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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