So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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