he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
