How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Sorry my hands just texted you
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
