his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
i wish my penis had a tongue
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
