I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
