Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
