I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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