So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
