My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
