Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
How external is "for external use only"?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
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