I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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