Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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