I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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