it's like iHOP with fire
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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