You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
