i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
