Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Be still, my beating vagina.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
