we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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