I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Randomize
