I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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