Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
