My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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