if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Randomize
