just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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