yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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