i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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